Puzzled!!!

Today was the first day since mom has been home that it was just me and Dad. No Doctors, Nurses, nurses assistants, or anyone, well they did come and draw a new blood test for the cumadin (the count is going down so that is great). Anyway so when I got there this morning dad was working on the puzzle. We started it last night, and so we continued it today. I stayed for quite a while and then I needed to come home and get some things done for our first child of record baptism this year. So we got pretty far and I made him promise not to finish before I got back. He was a good boy (of course)!!! Mom spent most of the day sleeping again. Only to wake for cereal for breakfast (before I ever got there) and pizza for lunch (just before I left). Otherwise she was either getting changed (which she even sleeps through go figure) or sleeping through the every 2 hour turning her, or just plain sleeping UNTIL Wes came by to visit this evening. It was about 7 p.m. and we had been trying to get her to wake up for a while. He came bursting in, hollerd at her to get out of bed he was taking her on a walk and so she did!!! We were all shocked but thrilled. Glad someone could get her to wake up. Thank's Wes. Anyway after her walk I gave her the medicine for the evening, got her all cleaned up and turned her on the side for the night. We left about 8ish.
So this is mom at the end of the day all ready for sleepy time. It would not suprise me if she was up all night because she has been sleeping for 3 days. So she gave all of you a smile and said to say thank you for your prayers and hopes we all have great day tomorrow. I told her I would only be popping in and out every couple hours tomorrow, she said she understood and looked forward to the quick times we have. She is the greatest. We conquered a day without any help, just us, that's saying something I think anyway. Let's hope that tomorrow goes as smoothly. You are all wonderful and I hope your day is the best it can be, we just need to choose to make it great, I know I will try my hardest. I do love fast Sunday, I love the testimonies born, wish I had gutts, but oh well, I will enjoy the spirit. Until tomorrow, keep making good memories.

Today we decorated

Today was mostly dad and I enjoying time together. I drive the man crazy for sure with my teasing, but deep down inside how could he not love me to pieces!!! I made him get in the wheelchair and he was not so happy about that. He almost broke his arm and tonight he has a really big bruise from the arm rest. (So Sorry Dad!!!:(

Here is mom (awake for only a short time) and look how cute the bed looks with our funny vinyl lettering, Na Na Na Na Na!!! We call mom Nana and I thought it would be funny because dad loves to stick his tongue out at me constantly and make that noise so I thought I would continue to anoy him by putting it in big bright white letters so he could see it every time he turns around! I am so irritating. Oh well, you have to make the day some kind of fun!

Here is dad in the wheelchair making his really funny faces that he makes all of the times at me. He is so cute don't you think! He looks just like a cartoon character, I just love him. He's all talk and all bark, and tender big time inside.

Today we just hung out together. We talked a lot about mom and what is going on with her. We are both a little bit worried because this is the second day in a row that she just slept and slept. So we called the nurse and she is checking with us tomorrow on how responsive she is. Tues and Wed were so much fun and she was so aware and yesterday and today she just simply wanted to sleep. So we hope that she caught up on all of that and tomorrow will be a good day. We did find out today that the cumiden (I know I am not spelling that right) is too much for her. They tested and her blood is way too thin, so now we are not giving her that medicine and she has to be tested each day until it goes normal again. This means that we have to be really careful with her so that she does not fall and cut herself in any way. She could have a bloody nose and bleed to death, so that is a little concerning. Tomorrow we will pray for the best. She really just took a couple of bites today and not many fluids either. So what I have decided is that there are going to be good days and bad days and every other kind of day in between and we will just make the best of each new day and count our blessings for the minutes that we have left. I really think that prayers should be in dad's behalf. It cannot be fun in anyway at all to sit and watch your wife of almost 57 years dwindle like this. He is being really brave but deep inside I know he is really sad. So I keep trying to make him laugh and tonight I helped him put together a puzzle. I am horrible at puzzles, but it was good I think just to show him some attention today. He is being a really good caretaker and he is 80 years old. He is so tender with her and I know that he really wants her to get better but he knows that she will not. So keep dad in your prayers, we are truly feeling them and appreciate all of the support we are receiving. Thanks friends and family you all mean the world to me. Tomorrow is another day, make it the best... Love you all

It's a sleepy day all the way around

Today was for sure a sleepy day. Of course we can't have a party every day, and so today we slept. The nurses aides came this morning and gave nana a bath and got her all fresh and pretty for me. I was home catching up on some laundry and dishes that have been a pinch neglected so that was good. When I got there at 10:30 nana was fresh and sleeping. I got her meds all together and went over to wake her up. She heard my voice and opened her tired little eyes, took her medicine and we chatted a while. She enjoyed her bath and is warming up to the aides. She says it might take her a while and that she misses me first thing in the morning, and hopes I got a lot done. Then the doctor came. What a darling man. He is a retired oncoglogist who could not stand not helping people. He is probably in his 70's and still wears a suit and tie and carries a black doctor bag. Right out of a Norman Rockwell picture. He was so great, sweet as ever and tender, beyond tender. It was wonderful and he gave her a gift. She does not have to have the oxygen during the day, only at night or when we are taking her on a walk or moving her a lot, so she was very happy with him. After he left and we had fed her I was sitting on the couch while she ate a little something and the non-sleeping wendi started to zone.....about 20 minutes later Cina (the sister) came in the door and we all woke up. Dad had been busy doing the laundry while mom and I napped. It was a power nap for sure but has carried me through the rest of the day. Glad for the nap. I could tell that mom was pretty worn out from the bath, so today we just kept her clean and happy and let her sleep, only waking her to turn her to the other side. Her bed sore thing is so much better, the nurse even came and check so all of the changing of the diapers is paying off. Hurray for that. I feel so much better about it. So I got to go to Jordan's scrimmage and to the Blue and Gold banquet and then back to clean her one last time before bed. She was a very good patient today as usual, and so onward and upward we go. One step at a time, and one nap (power or long whichever we may need) at a time. Thank heaven for sleepy days. I think we are going to be okay.
Thanks for those prayers

Laughing all the way...

Today was hillarious. The wheelchair was delivered before I got there and we all enjoyed the ride. This is Cina (the only girl in the family besides us out-laws!) being Vanna and showing us all the wonderful features of the chair!!!

Dad was busy today giving rasberries (which he is very good at) and mom and I just laughed and laughed and laughed at him. (I am not sure whether he thought any of it was funny at all! But we sure did!!!
Mom and I enjoyed dinner together on the couch. We made her get off of the bed and eat on the couch for a little change tonight. She is so funny!
In rare form today. When I arrived after only a few winks of sleep this morning, I was a pinch out of it to say the least. The nurses aides were coming to take care of her needs this morning and they ended up being a pinch later then we thought, so when I got there it was just the 3 of us! Mom had eaten her cereal and so I began counting out her pills. Today there were only 6 Yeah!!! She took them like a good little girl and then the laughter began. She told me about this dream she had last night and said it was about this perfect world she wanted. Where non of this stuff (like the oxygen tanks, and the hospital bed, and the pads, and diapers, and medicine, etc) was there. She was in Prescott (where she was born and raised) and there was 3 feet of snow on the ground. Now mind you the night before we had looked at pictures till late in the evening and there were pictures of that very thing from when she was young. She says that she really wants to go back to Prescott and stay there, little does she know that will probably not be able to happen, but we are going to try asking the doctor this week if maybe we can go for a one day trip if we are really careful!!! We shall see. Anyway back to the dream, I asked her (in a joking manner of course) if she had seen her parents in the dream and she said no!!! We laughed. Then she said the funniest thing. She said "Really it's not bad here, we are just missing one thing." I asked what that was and she said "The Big Black Bag!!!" I thought in my head is she talking about a body bag and so I tried giving hints, and she said "You know the one with the zipper that they will put me in!!!" Then she began to belly laugh out loud for a really long time, like 20 seconds!!! I laughed as well, but poor dad did not find any humor in this at all. I was sitting in the wheelchair (like a little kid playing with it of course) when she was telling me all of this. Rolling around her bed and laughing with her. I thought it was wonderful, but poor dad. He left the room after giving us both really big rasberries!!! About 5 minutes later he came back in from the garage with a whole bunch of black garbage sacks and said "Here's your black bags!!!" Mom said, "I won't fit into one of those!!!" And again the laughter started. She was hillarious, it was really fun actually, we had a great time. If you can't laugh all you have left is to cry. I am glad we are laughing. Then I said "I wish I would not have worn these pants, they are way too tight and all this laughing is making them even more uncomfortable. So again Dad get's up and leaves and comes back about 5 minutes later with his old overalls. He throws them at me and says "Here put these on" so I did. I love overalls, I love them. I was so happy they fit and everything. So now I have a great pair of overalls and a sore stomach from all of the laughing. She was not so happy when the nurses aides came for sure. She has been in too many different hospitals this month and really just wanted nobody else to come and take care of her. She said to me before they came. Why can't you just do all of it? I said to her that I needed the break every so often to get things done at my house. And then she made me feel so good. She said "what if they are crabby?" I said "They won't be any crabbier then me" and she said "Your'e not crabby, you are sweet." I needed that so badly. Mind you I have been in this family for 27 years plus the dating time and she really hasn't ever said anything like that to me at all. So that was really nice. She said "Will you please tell them how to do it the way I like it, you are so good at everything." Mom really blessed my life today with those wonderful comments. Just when you think you have someone figured out, they throw you for a huge loop. I liked the loop today. I really am enjoying her. We laugh, and we hug, and I am so glad that I get to share these moments (hard as they are, and believe me they are hard) with her and dad. He is having a really hard time, as he should be. 57 years they have been married this June, and that is a really long time. He is gentle and loving to her and that is new for us to witness as well. Tender mercies, I love em. All in all it was a really long, tiring day, but one with great memories and love shared, and that's not bad at all if you ask me. Until tomorrow, thanks for the prayers.

Enjoy the Journey

I really do know that I am loved by a Father in Heaven who truly does know who I am and in this month of February He has been by my side hour after hour, helping me through it. Along the way, through talks at church, and articles in the Ensign, and just lifes lessons, I have probably been instructed to enjoy the journey more than I care to admit. But see He knows that it takes a really big kick in my pants for me to recognize what He is trying to teach me. So for all of the rest of you who have had to listen to all of the Enjoy the Journey talks and events this month, I want you to know I finally get it and it was totally for me. Don't you ever feel that way, when you are listening to a talk and all of a sudden you have a lightbulb moment. My bulb finally turned on!!! (It always takes me a while). The month began after a really full enjoyable January. I was actually looking forward to some down time maybe and a trip to St. George for a wonderful wedding, when it happened. Ground Hog Day!!! I actually have never seen the movie, but I do believe I lived the movie all over again. Herb's mom had been coughing for a week or more and finally I made an appointment to get her in for a check up. Pneumonia they suspected, but an X-ray was needed and antibiotics. I am no stranger to pneumonia (or however you spell it), I get it all of the time, so I know the routine, but something changed, her heart began to beat irregularly and so they decided it would be best to take her to the ER at the heart hospital. Here is where the real journey begins!!! After a tons of test and a ton of hours, they finally admitted her and I went home at about quarter to 1 in the a.m. 13 long hours, but now I knew she would be able to get better and all would be well in Zion!!! 4 days in the hospital and then they sent her home. Home for us to care for. No training, no help for our little family, we just were on our own. So I thought "well here we go"! I had a wonderful example in my mother who took such great care of her mother in law. I could do this for sure. All the family helped, we took turns visiting, laughing, crying, whatever it took to keep her clean, and hopefully on the way to recovery. This was not to be, for the following Monday (after the showering was conquered!) I thought for sure I had killed her. So I called Cina and she came running to my rescue for the umteenth time! We ended up calling 911 and again it was Groundhog day all over!! 12 more hours, tons more tests, double pnuemonia this time and finally she is admitted. Wew we thought, that wasn't too bad, we will get to bed early this time. NOT!!! She went into A-fibrulation (or whatever) which can cause a stroke at any minute. Cina and I paced and laughed and paced and joked around with all the staff until 4:00 a.m. and then they finally got her stable and we went home. The journey was ever so much fun and for the next week we all took turns at the hospital until the following Monday (again with the groundhog day moment) she was taken to the re-hab center and we began the daily treks to a new place. Long story longer..... she is now home since last monday for good. We are now under the care of Hospice and have learned many many many did I say many lessons along the way. Life gives you all kinds of challenges and now we must face the fact that mom is not going to get better we just need to take the best care we can of her for whatever time Heavenly Father needs her to be with us. Now you would think that she is just laying around doing nothing. Well at least that is what I would think having faced an entire month of hospitals and her doing just that. We got all of the instructions from the hospice care nurses and home she came. So much information my mind was boggled (which really does not take a ton) but I kept saying "I can do this, I can do this," We got her settled in Monday night and then yesterday the real life journey began. What I thought was going to be a piece of cake, really isn't. The things they lead you to believe are not always what the reality is. So man did I get an education in a day. It is all on us. The changing of the diapers, the cleaning of the beds, the getting her up to walk and trying to get her eat and oh the meds, tooooooooo many to keep track up, but we have to. So the most unorganized person in the world has now been put in charge of organizing this life for mom. I am learning a ton, in fact in the past couple of days I feel a little bit intelligent!!! Go figure. I actually sound like I know what I am doing, when in fact I know nothing!!! I even have the nurses fooled that I know what I am doing. So I will keep up that facade!!! And press forward. Overwhelmed to say the least is actually what I was feeling yesterday and then I went last night the Stake Relief Society Night and guess what the title was.... You got it "Enjoy the Journey" So as I looked back on this past month and the journey that I am taking right now in my life I have decided that I will do just that. I WILL ENJOY THE JOURNEY, for however long I am on it and it will be an incredible journey for sure. Although yesterday was a ton of learning and trying to fit it all into a small 24 hours, I look back this morning and if I put away the hard stuff, we had a really fun day. Mom was at her best, I found her sitting on the edge of her bed, eating a bowl of cereal and talking and laughing up a storm. She dug through old pictures and went down memory lane for the whole day. She bravely took all her meds and walked the hall to that a bathroom a number of times for me. Got dressed in her pretty new little house dress and really just kept us guessing as to what she would do next. I think that she is intending on enjoying this journey as well. And why not, she deserves to be taken care of the best we can and hopefully we can enjoy it with her. I know that the days are going to be really crazy and full and some are definately going to be better then others for sure, but along the way I intend on making the best memories I can. In listening to every single story and looking at every single picture and not sweating the small stuff. I have learned a ton so far, just think how smart I will be when this journey ends. So as the days and weeks, and months and forevers go along, I intend on enjoying each one of them. Pray for us big time, it is not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. I am not a good journal keeper and so this will be my outlet to keeping the memories alive for me and for my family. I am taking my camera with me today to capture a few memories to share in this journaling. Forgive me for my babbling, but I don't want to forget a minute, especially the difficult ones. Thanks for all of you who are so supportive, and for the next while you will need to call my cell phone (480) 620-3636. I won't be home. I will be spending my days with a wonderful mother in my life who raised an amazing son and let me have him. I will be listening to her stories and changing her diapers, and giving her showers, and meds and hugs and kisses, and helping her to have a wonderful rest of her life. I will be ENJOYING THE JOURNEY for sure.

I Wonder If He Knew...

This past week we lost a wonderful man in our lives. I had not seen Jack since last volleyball season when he came to watch one of Jordan's big games. He was like that, he would just show up in your life at random times and it was always a really good thing. He use to ref some of their games but for the past few years he hadn't done that anymore. And still he came, to support, to enjoy the company, and to make all of us laugh and feel good about the day. Jack Heinrick was a man who lived a life of serving others every single day. As my children and my husband and I have reflected back this week on how he affected our family, the memories have just flooded our minds. But the thing I have thought about most is... I wonder if he knew the impact he had in this world. Every one of my children had him as a substitute teacher at one point or another during their elementary school lives. He was the favorite sub ever and I always knew when they had been taught by Jack that day. It seemed to be the first happy news out of their mouths as soon as they walked through the door. Somehow he made that school day the best. Always positive and making them feel better about who they were. And then when they all started playing volleyball, if he was the referee, they knew that the game would be called with fairness on both sides. He would take the time to explain the call and teach, even from the referee stand. Always the same for both sides and always right, so they knew if the call was made it was because it was the right call. The respect my children had for him was amazing. Not only did he ref their games, but even if he wasn't reffing, he would often times show up just to cheer them on. And the after the game tell them what a great job they had done. I will never, ever forget when he took the time to come and visit our Jacque when she injured her ankle so badly during her sophimore year. He came to our home in his shorts and polo shirt, with his socks and black high top converse tennis shoes, bearing gifts. He did not have to come, but he did. So many times in my life I wish I would have just gone to visit someone when I knew they were down, but got busy and never made it there. I don't think that he ever missed an opportunity to make that visit to people. He spent a great deal of time that day encouraging Jacque about her injury. That she should take her time and heal properly so that she could come back even stronger then she was. He boosted her spirits and made her laugh, and for that wonderful time spent with her, her day and the months of recovery to come were made easier. He lifted that burden for her, and I wonder if he knew he had done that. God sends angels in our lives and I wonder if Jack had any clue what an angel he was. I loved seeing his bright red truck at the school and knew that someones class were the lucky ones today, he would be their teacher. I loved seeing him in the Basha's parking lot, getting whatever he got in the morning at Bagel Nosh and knowing that the people that worked there were lucky to get to see him so often. I wonder if his boys and Helen knew how proud he was of them. How hard he worked for their family and how much he supported them, actually I don't doubt for a minute that they knew. How could they not. He beamed when he spoke of his family, of those wonderful grandchildren, of their educations and what they were up to. Always a story to tell, and no matter what the day had brought before you saw Jack, it all of sudden became a better day. He could make you laugh no matter what, and always, always you went away a happier person. His smile will forever be in my memory. Gratitude for having known him will be what I carry for the rest of this life on earth. And memories, wonderful, amazing, hillarious, memories is what I will have to help my family get through this. I wish I could help his family in some small way to feel better. There is going to be a giant gap in this world without this man. Volleyball season will not be the same. The stands will be a little emptier and his spirit will be missed for sure. I really do wonder if he knew the impact he was making while walking through this life. It was an honor to know him and to have him be a part of our world. Thanks Jack, we love you.

Happy Birthday KnotHead!!!

Today is Cody's 24th birthday. I know it's late and the day is breezing by, but I will get this blogged today!!! His whole life I have seemed to put things off til the last minute and I have to say he is always pretty good natured about it!!! So I will not go to bed tonight until I have said the things about my Cody that I love..... Here goes!!!

I am not sure how any of these picture are going to land so just look back on them as I mention them.

When Cody came into the world, he came in a fast fury to get here. 12 minutes flat. I am not sure what the rush was but it has been a rush ever since. I love how does most things in life in a rush. And he does them well. Take for instance, learning to climb things. At a very early age Cody took on the quality of climbing. We found him at 18 months old on the top of the refrigerator. When he had his first bunk bed he found that going down the ladder at the end was not fast enough, so he figured out a way to hang on to the ceiling fan blade at full speed and then after a few rotations drop to the ground! I am so not kidding! He has always done things in the most round about ways. I love that about him. He is a genious!!! (I am sure that is spelled wrong because I am not one!!!) Anyway, today I look back on the past 24 years and I have to say, as crazy as they seemed back then, they are such great memories. He was such a sweet natured baby and since he came 13 1/2 months after his brother I needed that. Although I thought he never heard a word I said, I know now that Cody was always listening. He always seems to have the answers and I am not sure where he gets them other then at some point in life he had to be listening. Cody is caring. He is such a good friend, to everyone and he is loyal, truely loyal in every sense of the word. I have loved every second of life with him, every single second. I am not quite sure how I survived raising Cody, but now that I look back I am not sure how Cody survived me. His energy is amazing, and when he finally found the place for it, wow is all I have to say. If there was a kid who caught onto the sport of volleyball any faster I would like to meet him. I will never forget when he made such fun of the game when Christopher tried out for the team. Once he watched that game though he knew it was for him and from that moment on he improved so quickly I was amazed. And by the way a pinch proud!!! So much fun to watch and so talented. I thought I was going to die when he graduated and I wouldn't see him play again. I miss seeing him play, but he has now become such a great coach. How wonderful that has been to watch him coach his little sister and little brother. And when his pride was bursting at the seams (but because he was coaching he could'nt just yell it out) he would hide behind the clipboard and say "that's my brother or that's my sister!) I love that about him. Always willing to teach those he can the skill he is so good at. I love this boy. I know that I give him guff all of the time about being so crazy to raise, but really Cody, the memories are so great. I wish I could go back and enjoy the moments again. This time, I would do it with more patience, and I would savor each second of every day. I would enjoy the fan blade breaking into the wall, the moments at the ER for stitches and who knows what else. The sleepwalking that lead to things we just can't even mention!!! I wouldn't change a moment with you. Not one moment. You have brought into my life laughter beyond measure, tears that flow freely, for happy and not so happy moments. Pride that only a parent can feel, and gratitude that you choose me to be your mom. I am so grateful for all of the laughs, and all of the "talks" and all of the late nights we have spent together in this world. You have made an impact on me, and you are going to be such a great dad. I can't wait to see your face when you meet that sweet little person coming your way. I know we tease you about what kind of crazy kid you are going to get, but I hope that it is as crazy and amazing as you are. Then one day you will look back when all the years have passed and you too will wish for those moments again, to cherish. We survived so far and we have so much more in life to survive. We can do it, you are wonderful, amazing, full of life, and I love you dear sweet boy. Keep on being who you are I would have it no other way! I love you Cody James, I really do, and I hope that you really truly know that for sure. Be happy in life and make the impact you were sent her to make. Happy birthday!!! Love Mom

Maxi Pads Galore!!!

This my friends is a homemade maxi pad. I know you are wondering, "what on earth is that for", well let me just fill you in on this amazing process that is going on at the humanitarian center. Monday we were asked to go down for a few hours with our sergers and sew sanitary napkins. I thought, "well that is something I can do, I have a serger." So I picked up my friend Shelly and off we went. It was amazing. Never thought I would use that word for this project. But it was one of the most humbling experiences I have ever had. And this week I really needed to be brought to my knees in gratitude for all that I have. It was a definate poor pitty me party week. Anyway, they take 3 pieces of flannel 3" x 10" and you serge all the way around them. They need 15,000 of them in packets of 5 each to send to Salt Lake City's humanitarian center so that they can put them with theirs and send them to 3rd world countries, where I know with every fiber of my being that those women there will think that they have received the most amazing gift.

After 3 hours of sewing, we had not even made a dent. I wanted to stay all day, it was such a great feeling being able to do this. And Shelly was cutting them all out so precisely and we had the best visit so I really did not want to leave, but I had to take Herb's mom to the doctor so we did. Sister Harris asked is anyone would mind taking home a box and sewing at home, so I took one home. Here it is about 2/3rds still full. You cannot believe all of these pads. They just continued to multiply by the second. I would sew and sew and sew and it just seemed that the box never got any emptier. I think that was Heavenly Fathers way of keeping me in the humble mode, cuz the poor pitty me party was still popping up in my head. So I just kept plugging away at it and the more I did the better I felt. I am telling you, if you are in a funk, you need to go and find something to do for someone else, and if you have no clue what that is, well then go to the humanitarian center, they have so much stuff that needs to be done and the spirit lives there 24/7. I know I am going back.

Well now it is Thursday here is part of the mountain. This picture was taken at about halfway through the box. I now have about 1/2 hour left to finish the edges and then I need to clip these apart and stack them back in the box. That will be todays project. I try to imagine how I would ever be excited for these maxi pads, but I know with everything that I have, these humble women will know that these are such a gift from their Heavenly Father. I wish that every day I could be that humble. To be grateful for all the things that I have. The small and simple things that make our lives so much better. I have come down, way down from my poor pitty me party and am trying to have a party of gratitude for everything that is mine. For my home and running water that can be either hot or cold. For a refrigerator to keep the food fresh and good. For a car to get me where I need to go. For a family with a ton of things that seem to be going wrong all of the time that reminds us that prayers are answered every single day in our behalf. For a ward family the lets me serve their children whom I love with everything I have in me. For friends who love me and always know when I need them and show up. For a husband who works harder then anyone I know and then still gives us so much of himself. For the ability to serve, for that I am most grateful. So from now on when I pass the maxi pad isle in the store, I will think of the sweet sisters in the 3rd world country who got a small package of 5 homemade maxi pads and were ever so grateful for them, and I will pause and count my blessings one more time. I am thankful that I had a serger and was asked to go help with this project. It was the opportunity of a lifetime. I hope for more of these opportunities, they are out there for sure and I pray that I will stop my complaining and get myself over to that wonderful humanitarian center and serve, less pitty parties, more glorious opportunities to make great peoples lives a little bit better. Have a wonderful day today, and every day. Let's count our blessings instead of wondering why me. You are all wonderful and amazing and I am so grateful for all of you in my life. Thanks for making it so much better.